NEWS: Temperature tests to ease brochure fear

Monash University, to the south of Kuala Lumpur, has introduced mandatory temperature testing to deal with the general fear that has swept the campus.

It is believed that the fear outbreak originated from a brochure being handed out by one of the student political parties.

The 'Passion' brochure said the following under the heading of WHAT WE'LL DO: "We promise timely and efficient execution in all our divisions so that YOU will ultimately be taken care of."

The party also promised "Shopaholic Rehab" and cooking competitions for women, although there was no mention of the much rumored ironing, cooking and cleaning triathlon which was also popular in the Deep South in the 50's - where the party reportedly emanated from.

Since students affected by fear generally have a temperature above 38 degrees Celcius, the university has implemented mandatory temperature testing at campus' entrances.

Due to invasion of privacy laws, the mandatory testing will be entirely voluntary.

Students with a high temperature reading will be asked to return home for a cooling off period.

Looking for something to do...

The thing about Brunei, that is really quite inescapable, is that there's not much to do. No matter which way you turn you're confronted by... well... not much. This can be distressing at first but you learn to make your own fun, like watching a friend getting beaten up by a durian milkshake or lighting fireworks on the beach.


So, inane of something to do, a list was made. It was conceived in a second floor hotel room of a downtown BSB hotel (appropriately named Brunei Hotel) over two nights of mild inebriation with Hancock or EPL droning in the background. It was a list of me and my subordinates'/travel buddies' life goals... well some of them anyway.

So if you're looking for something to do, here's some suggestions (in no particular order):

- Start your own record label.
- Have a boy and a girl (human offspring).
- Finish a marathon within the allotted time of a race.
- Stay in a relationship for at least six months.
- Buy a synth... asizer.
- Learn how to drink wine and coffee (not mixed though).
- Design and have erected one's own energy & water self sufficient house.
- Drink a dozen coffees in one day.
- Own a really nice and/or expensive watch (circa $5000 AUD).
- Start one's own business.
- Never be classified as obese.
- Own a house, a nice one too, in inner-east Melbourne.
- Become a doctor.
- Be fluent in four languages.
- See the Aurora Borealis.
- Work in/go to Antarctica.
- Travel the UK by bicycle.
- Drive left to right (or west to east if you want to get technical) over the US.
- Get paid to play live music by someone you don't know.
- Own a Corvette Stingray.
- Organise an event with 1000+ people.
- Go in a car race.
- Be a newsreader.
- Buy a pair of super expensive shoes (~$1000 AUD).
- Go to a World Cup final.
- Learn the bass guitar and join a funk band.
- Attend all four Grand Slams in one year.
- Get something published in something that's sold.
- Take the train from Hamburg to Pyongyang.
- Learn French.
- See the pyramids.
- Go to Europe.
- Purchase an SLR camera.
- Go on a six month holiday after the age of 30, but before retiring.
- Hike with fireworks to the top of a mountain and release them into the wild.
- Become a wine critic (for one's own pleasure).
- Climb Mt. Kilimanjaro.
- Finish a triathlon.
- Live in South America for a year.
- Learn to jive.
- Become a psycho... logist.
- Learn Spanish.
- Learn to eat seafood.
- Learn to appreciate alcohol.
- Live next to the beach.
- Finish a university degree.
- Acquire a marine vessel/boat.
- Drive the figure eight around Australia.
- Learn how to cook really well.
- Live in Cairns.

Skip to the end: just a list of stuff to do.